Feisty Fiona's Funny Fables

My stories would not be complete without a story about High School Crush. It all started back in high school. He was the football quarterback and alas, I was never a cheerleader. I was what was once called a "Tom Boy" but now that term is not politically correct anymore. I guess now you would say I was "athletic". I played a different sport every season. Soccer, Track & Field, Softball. I was a Bo Jackson wannabe, or so I thought. Truth be told I REALLY wanted to be a cheerleader - but thought my talents best used in sports. I met my high school crush well before our freshman year actually started, since we were to report to daily doubles - two practices in one day to get ready for the soccer (in his case football) season about a month prior to the first day of school. We became fast friends and I tried to hide my undying love for him but I'm sure he saw right through me. There were quite a few girls vying for his attention, so I always stood back a...

On a recent vacation to Mexico, well for me it was really fat camp. I went on a yoga retreat with a local yoga studio. We did yoga twice a day, ate amazing food and my casita was at the bottom of a "mountain" and I had to walk up and down this mountain in heat and humidity several times a day. Not that I'm bitter, I had a great time, I just don't think I stopped sweating until I was in the airplane on my way home. Anyway, back to my story. We were staying at an eco-resort just outside of Sayulita, Mexico which is about a 45-minute drive north of Puerto Vallarta. I use the term "resort" very loosely and not in a bad way. Haramara ( http://www.haramararetreat.com/ ) has beautiful open air casitas that over look the ocean. It's like Swiss Family Robinson meets Yoga. There is no electricity, no walls (which makes showering a spectator sport at times), and creatures big and small. The casitas are all nestled into the side of a hill and at the bottom of the hi...

The evening of the networking party, because we were expecting the party to be lame, we thought it would be an early evening. I slunk home at 5:00 am. Let me take you back about 8 hours. Back at the networking party, the whole night we heard rumor that there was appetizers and we searched and searched from one end of the bar to the other to find said tasty morsels. During our journey we make quite a scene where ever we go, because of our listed professions. This doesn't help in our quest for nourishment. One of the groups of people we met and chatted with, was a large group of 20 something guys. There were no less than 8 of them. You will come to know them as the Back Street Boys. My friend took a liking to one of the Back Street Boys, a young buck with blue eyes. Being the good friend I am, I was game to be her wing-gal. We work our way through the crowd to find her blue-eyed knight. As she's chatting him up, me being the good winger chat up his friend. Who on the surface seem...

One night a friend and I decide to attend a "networking" event. Neither one of us had high hopes for this event, as typically networking events are super lame and no one ever shows up. Our evening started out with a very interesting taxi ride, where the taxi driver was trying to tell us that canines weren't carnivores because the name canine was a derivative of "canivorus", which means they only eat vegetables. Um. Right. Can you just drop us at the corner? As we enter the networking party, we were happily surprised that the place was packed. Once we checked in, we were told to go to the name tag table to get our name tags. To our delight the name badges were not pre-made. These name tags however were a bit different. They were color coded by job type (health, business, sales, etc.) and listed on the tags were not only your name but your job title or category. My friend and I have a quick huddle and decide that we need to change our professions. Marketing...

One day, I looked around my house and thought, "How long have I had this furniture?" and noticed that some items were circa 1990. Yikes! So I went out for some retail therapy and a few new items to refresh my home decor. As some of you know, I drive a very cool ghetto fabulous car. The only problem with the car is that it's not great at hauling new furniture around. So I enlisted my faithful neighbor to help me pick up my new dining room table. Off we went to Pier 1. As we were waiting in line to pick up my table, I was teasing my neighbor with all of the ridiculous items at the store that I was going to buy them for Christmas. Sparkly tinsel cone trees in a variety of colors, big balls made of sticks. You can see how funny that might be. Well, there was a guy in line in front of us who was trying really hard to pretend like he wasn't listening in on our conversation. He was also trying really hard to pretend like he wasn't laughing at everything I said. He was pr...

This spring one of my good friends came to town to visit. We thought it would be fun to go up to Vail for the last weekend of ski season and catch Ben Harper at the Spring Back to Vail concert. We are having a blast in Vail and after the concert we head to a bar to see what kind of trouble we can get into. My friend had one goal...she wanted to make out with a cute boy. So we headed out to complete that mission. Of course being the last weekend of the ski season, Vail was packed and there were very long lines to get into almost all of the good establishments. We decided on a bar and waited a few minutes in line (of course talking our way up to the front of the line helps) and as our luck would have it, ended up with prime seats at the far corner of the bar. We order drinks and my friend and I are scoping out the scene and strategizing on how we are going to find just the right candidate for her to make out with. For some reason, I'm actually not in the mood to play her reindeer gam...

Once we get into the Big Head Todd and the Monsters concert the weather started to turn and a big thunderstorm was coming so my friend and I decided to use our back stage passes to stay dry. We ended up back in the green room drinking (more) beer with none other than Big Head himself and some of the monsters. Once the show started we decided to go find our seats. Well, I use the term "find" loosely. If you've ever been to a red rocks concert with me, you know that I never sit in my assigned/ticketed seat. Really, who would kick out a cute little Jlo booty from standing in front of them? And, I'm not blocking anyones view, so it's a win-win for everyone! I'm not going to reveal my secret on how I am able to sneak into a row that isn't really mine, someday you might find me standing in front of you! Anyway, back to our story. My friend and I end up in about the 10th row in front of some random people. We had been there for quite a while when we had to leave ...

This story isn't as traumatic as my other stories ... you'll be happy to know it doesn't end in disaster. At one of my recent jobs there was a local band (Big Head Todd and the Monsters) that wanted my company to sponsor their upcoming tour so they gave me free tickets and back stage passes to their show at Red Rocks. I invited a friend to join me and we headed up to Red Rocks with our tailgating fair and our tickets. Once at the amphitheater, we parked and arranged our little picnic in the parking lot. For those of you who've been to Red Rocks, you know that tailgating and partying with people you just happen to park next to is part of the whole experience. So, in the next row of cars, in the car right across from us, there are three people. A couple and their friend. Immediately they start to chat with us. Evidently they just picked their friend up from the airport the night before from finishing his tour in Iraq. His friend then tells us that since he's been in I...

At one of my recent jobs I had the luxury of working from home but also had the option of working from the headquarter office whenever I wanted. They furnished me with an awesome corner window cube. On the occaisions I had to go into the office it was a great place to get some work done. One day while I was at said office, I was working on a project that had me interact with co-workers in one of the categories I hadn't worked with much. I end up meeting and working with a cute guy. He had a financial/inventory type job and looked the part - khakis, button down shirt, clean cut. He also seemed to keep up on his personal hygiene. Added to the fact that he had a good job he seemed promising. We chatted/flirted for a bit and I find out that he's from my home state. Cool, we have something else in common. We exchange phone numbers and text/e-mail flirt for about a week, and of course I make up a few extra excuses to work in the office that week. We finally decide that we should go t...

This is a very short story, literally and figuratively. Have you ever read a story and after a few days get to the end, only to realize that you only just needed to read the title to get the whole point of the story? I met a cute guy at a bar one night, we exchanged numbers and went on a few innocent dates. After the proverbial third date, he ended up with the nickname Jack Rabbit on Crack. The moral to this story? Faster doesn't always win the race and short isn't always sweet.

The story of Camel Toe starts out promising and just ends in disaster. He actually started out with the nickname "Hot Six-Pack" and then ends up with the unfortunate moniker Camel Toe. I was in my home town visiting one labor day weekend and had been downtown at the city's last First Thursday art walk of the year. As I was waiting on the corner waiting for the valet to bring my car around, I run into a guy that I recognized from an old job. We hugged and caught up for a minute and he introduced me to his friend as "This is Fiona, we went to high school together". I think OK we went to high school together. Although I have no recollection that this is where I actually know him. We exchanged phone numbers, and as he was entering my number into his phone I noticed that he's wearing one of those work shirts that had a shell gas station patch on one sleeve and was embroidered on the left chest "Raw Dog". Which I'm sure this is supposed to be some so...